How long has it been.....

It is just after 10:00 PM and while Don sits with his computer on his lap and Diesel snuggled onto one arm, I've managed to harden my heart enough to keep Max off of me, forcing him to spend time in his little bed in the corner. Don had mentioned that dust was beginning to gather on the blog because it had been two weeks (I was shocked as I hadn't noticed time passing) since I last wrote anything here. So because I needed two hands to type, Max has been exiled. Can you imagine how long it would take to write anything if I only had one hand to do it, and had to peer around a little mutt at the same time? Ages I think.

I just came in from the barn, last feeding before bed. It's so much warmer tonight than it has been. I like to stand out at the back of the barn on a sweet night like this, fluffy flakes of snow, just drifting down in the quiet night air and just absorb the stillness and try to become part of it as I look out towards the woods. So very peaceful. Maybe tomorrow I will try out my new snowshoes, at least I will if the snow falls all night. Yesterday, clippers in hand, I walked up the back hill to the woods and spent a couple hours roughing out a new little walking trail through a stand of firs there. The snow up the hill was so solid and had a nice crust that completely supported my weight. No way I would need snowshoes, but maybe tomorrow now that new snow is falling.

Let me tell you about these snowshoes. Remember the snowshoes of the old days? Wooden frame, lacing to support your weight. Well these are tubular aluminum frames, with stretched rubber bottoms and the inside, the part that your boot fastens to, is on a pivot so that your foot moves in a more natural way. Don's pair haven't arrived yet (we had to order them), but when they do, even deep snow won't stop us. Mind you, Holly and Sean, who also have a pair, say that using them is like six times more strenuous than just walking. So we may get out, but we won't be going for long walks if that's the case.

So anyway, I'm going to finish here for now, get some kindling for the fire in the morning and then to bed to bed. Ta ta for now and I'll talk to you again.

It is what it is.....

Well, well, well and hello there to whomever chooses to spend a moment here. I'm feeling very peaceful today, and while the tremendous cold outside and the lovely warm fire inside might have something to do with the feeling of coziness and safety that I'm enjoying at the moment, the peacefulness comes from somewhere else, somewhere in my heart, somewhere in my mind.

For many years, in fact so many that I can't even say when it began, I've struggled with an inner sadness and fearfulness. When Don would say to me "oh don't worry", "you worry too much", I usually would counter with something like "somebody has to because you aren't!". Very astute wouldn't you say? And I would worry about things that "might" happen ten years down the road. I like to plan ahead you see. And of course, that worrying was generally accompanied by sadness. But in my defence, who wouldn't be sad, when confronted with the surety that everything you found important or worthy, was doomed to disappear in ten years! There were other things too that I worried about, other sadness that came and went, mostly came (and stayed).

I think that it was Shakespeare who once said "that all life's a stage" and we are only actors upon it. And now I am confronting the role that I've been playing on this stage of life and I feel like I could have, should have, done so much better. It has been a little role, only a bit part, but I've studied it and perfected it and it has become me to the point where my family have come to know only that character, the sad and worried standby. It has become me, and as I look back over the years, where we once were, the various difficulties that arose and then were passed by, the momentous events of our lives that I allowed the tough moments to overshadow, I am only regretful that the gold was buried as I sat mournefully contemplating the grief that I chose to wallow in.

So I'm here to say, that this day I've chosen to put away that sad role that I've been typecast into. It is no more, and the one that I am going to work on, and study and perfect, is that of the peaceful woman, who understands and accepts that life "is what it is" and regardless of what the situation might be, that "this too will pass". If it is a tough time in life, it won't last forever, and if it is a joyous day, week, or even only a moment, it too will pass, and so I should enjoy it and appreciate it while I can.

Of Merry Go Rounds and New Years.....

I was going through my photos last night and with Don talking to Andy on the computer, this photo stood out of the lineup (and notice how the Naumanns are all lined up, why, it must be a coincidence or maybe even) a sign that I should use it and wish them all a Happy New Year! You all look so fine and seeing you reminds me that the one thing that Nova Scotia doesn't have is you guys. But thank goodness for the internet and phones and cameras right! So we must all look on the bright side even if sometimes you have to dig a little to find it.

It is snowing again here and our fire is making the family room warm and cozy. Diesel and Max are snoozing and we are feeling loose and limber from the yoga class we went to this morning. At the end of our yoga class, there is always a little relaxation period, a time where we are supposed to slow our minds down and keep the thoughts at bay so that even the brain gets a little time to rest. Harder to do than it sounds. But as I laid there, a little thought did pop in that another year has come and gone, new one begun, and what have been the blessings from all my experiences in the previous 365 days. I can say, without exception, that I have profited by all, yes all, the things that have come across my plate. I am more aware of who I am in this world, the good things that I have done, the mistakes that I have made that have again brought me clarity in understanding who I am and a new awareness and conviction that all we have is this moment, right now. I once read "the past is a memory, the future is a fantasy and all we have is now", the point being, how are you experiencing this moment? Are you savouring what it offers, or are you living in a past that is done and gone, or pinning your life to a fantasy? Slowly but steadily, I am learning to savour. I'm beginning to notice the unobtrusive special qualities of those moments that some might find of no importance and so, not worthy of notice. Like in the waning days of summer, as I stood by the wash line, hanging clothes up to dry in the sun and the breeze, and feeling the warmth on my back. Cleaning stalls one more time, and feeling good that when I brought Ambra and Sierra in, there would be food in their bucket and hay waiting in the manger. Or simply noticing and stopping to visually drink in the beautiful blending of white and purple in the petals of the african violets on my kitchen window sill, and how they sparkled in that one moment when the morning rays of the sun hit them at just the right angle. I am learning to be aware of these times, and when those niggling little voices that lurk in the dark corners of my mind, begin to whisper and attempt to agitate, I'm starting to recognize that that's what is happening and then turn away from those thoughts because I know now, that they have no value in my search for a peaceful existence.

At the core of everyone's life, I think, is a desire for peace and fulfillment. Some would arguably suggest that this is at the root of overspending, overwhelming debt-loads and the evidence of corporate greed that we have been watching in horrified fascination over the past year or so. Instead of finding their joy in the experience of that moment, the world has sought to find their fulfillment in things, and more things, and incredible amounts of money that are hard to even comprehend. For me, 2008 has been the beginning of stepping off one roller coaster and onto a gentler merry go round of life. And in 2009, as I sit astride my lovely, painted steed, I am going to see and savour the little things that pass me by, even as I pass by.

This Too Shall Pass

We watched a movie tonight and though I can't recall the name Peter O'Toole was the lead character in it. I also can't remember the name of the young lady who was cast opposite him. She's too young and I grew up sort of with him. As Don said, we've watched him get old. It was about an old man who's friend has a nieces daughter come to live with him. Did you get lost in that or did you manage to keep up? Anyway, while the "uncle" can't stand this teenager, Peter O'Toole who shall be known as Morris becomes infatuated with her. Always a bit of a womanizer in his young days, she awakens something in him and he works at developing a relationship with her. She on the other hand, is at first put off by this old man but soon begins to take advantage of his affections, allowing him to buy her things ocassionally or take her out for lunch. At the same time though she becomes involved in a relationship with a boy her own age, which ultimately turn ugly during which Morris gets hurt. And as is so often the case, an injury for an old person suddenly bumps up his aging process. She in turn, is suddenly faced with the ugliness of her behaviour towards him and is stricken with remorse and volunteers to care for him as he recovers. Of course he soon dies and now she must grieve for him and in that grieving becomes aware, because of the turn out at his funeral, of the parts of his life that were, long before she knew him as an old man. Her attitude of course changes, she turns over a new leaf and becomes a better person, at least as far as we can tell.

Maybe this movie spoke to me because I am getting older myself. Sometimes, as long as I haven't walked past a mirror lately, I feel as though I am still young, at least in my mind. There are no wrinkles, no creases at the corners of my eyes or mouth, no grey hair, and a lifetime of possibilities ahead of me. But then I'm reminded that it couldn't possibly be that I am young, by my stiffness from sitting too long at my computer, or by not being able to see the recipe in my notebook even though I've written it with very big letters. So as I watched Morris responding to her, as he would have fifty years ago, only to have her recoil from him, instead of being welcomed because he was so old, and wrinkled and stooped and awkward, I think I saw myself, Don , all of mankind being forced to give in reluctantly to something that as young people, we never foresaw or would ever admit to. But I couldn't help but feel that even in the midst of his frustration, there was a certain grace that accompanied this whole process of aging and dying if you don't allow bitterness to creep in. Morris wasn't bitter and angry, instead just got on with life as he always had, just at a slower pace. I think that that is what I will try to do, just get on with life at a slower pace and to look at this moment, right now, as being all there is, for this too, shall pass.

Why I Am Here

Max is draped across my lap, sleeping and beside me Diesel is snuggled into the folds of a blanket, also sleeping. I would leave them there if I could, just go on with reading but the time has come to go out to the barn. Early on, I could hear Ambra and Sierra out there, chewing on their stalls, banging their buckets; boredom, hunger, a little of both, demanding some attention. I pick up Max's little relaxed body and he hangs limply from my hands, only opening his eyes slightly as though to ask "how could you?" as I tucked him in beside Diesel.

At this time of year, it is layer upon layer upon layer, before you can step out the door. In the barn, the frost glistens on the window panes, and the horses breath is visible like a small fog bank that hangs around their noses, freezing on their whiskers and underfoot, the nights mess is frozen solid and it is like walking on scattered marbles. Ambra comes out first, and as we step into the sunshine from the gloom of the barn, her head comes up and she stares off at the hills and trees that lay along the back of the fields. Walking out to her paddock, her step is lighter and I can feel her energy like a barely contained charge of electricity. Even as I unsnap the lead rope, she realizes she is free and leaps forward, touching the ground so lightly that she almost seems not to make contact. Round and round, up the hill and back down again.

The new days sun shines low above the trees, casting long blue shadows across the fields and as she throws herself down on the hilltop to roll and roll again, she kicks up a cloud of fine, dry, soft snow and the light catches it and it sparkles and glitters as though she is some small and lovely creature caught in the tiny contained world of a snowglobe. Now done with that and back on her feet, she looks back expectantly at the barn, wondering why Sierra has not come out yet to join her in this revelry. So I turn back to the barn and going into Sierra's stall, I can feel that she also suffers from the same level of excitement and joyfulness that had overtaken Ambra. Once freed, she too runs and romps, floating over the snow in that lovely high Arab trot, tail waving high like a flag over her back, that always takes my breath away. She cruises back and forth in front of me, bucking occassionally, then turning to face me. Her neck is arched, and her eyes bright as she stares straight at me and takes a few steps forward, only to turn again and fly along the fence line with Ambra keeping pace on the other side. And as I stood in the sunshine and the snow, feeling the cold against my face and watching them enjoy their life, one more time, I had the thought that moments like this are why I am here.

("You cannot do a kindness too soon, because you never know how soon it will be too late"
Ralph Waldo Emerson )

Photo by: Rian Houston of Colorado

Seasons Greetings!

Seasons greetings to you all! It is looking like it will be a white Christmas after all. While we'd had some snow a few weeks back, it had all melted and then the days alternated between rain and sunshine, some of them cold and some downright suntanning weather. A few days ago it was 19 degrees! Can you believe it? But as I said, Seasons Greetings and best wishes for the New Year to one and all.

I am often glad that I am forced to get out of the house in the morning to take care of Sierra and Ambra. Today was one of those times because the light was soft, and it was not too cold even though it had snowed the day before. The snow was dry and powdery and only ankle deep. At moments like that I am sometimes tempted to be spontaneous, be the wild one (yeah right!), and throw caution to the wind and ------go for a walk. But then common sense prevails, "you need to have breakfast, you haven't had a shower yet, you are in your pjamas......", and I usually listen to that little practical self that sits on my shoulder and I go back to the house, the fire and my first cup of coffee of the day. But after sitting around a bit, and doing a few things I finally felt I could justify slacking off to enjoy this beautiful day up close.

The nice thing about our property is that we can go for a walk and see a variety of views and vistas. Open snowy fields with that blazing blue sky above, little brooks trickling darkly beneath overhanging branches that are weighted down by fat cushions of snow, tall evergreens with branches draped in overcoats of glistening crystals and distant hills lying quiet and glazed under a blanket of white and blue. So very pretty and we feel very blessed to be able to have this experience in total.

I'm in a funny kind of mood today. Sort of coasting in neutral you could say..... maybe the weather, grey, low hanging clouds, snowing lightly in fits and starts, but not real cold, is making me feel that way. Maybe the time I already put in to altering some curtains that I bought, only to discover that a quick run through the dryer shrank them so much that I have to take out what I already did and start again, is making me feel that way. Maybe I'm just getting so relaxed and I'm not used to feeling this way. I'm just not real sure what it is all about. I do know that I had plans to go into town and do some grocery shopping and run a few errands, but the weather man's warning of icy rain(bad roads?) put me off until about noon. It was warm, well sort of, and no rain, so I decided I would follow through on those plans which meant I needed to get into something a little more town-worthy instead of the sweatpants that I'd been schlepping around the house all day in. By the time I was ready, the snow had started falling! New plan, stick with the plan of staying home after all. Well, to make a long story short, the snow fell for an hour, didn't stick at all, and by then I had bread rising and I was not going to try the town plan again. But that didn't mean that I wasn't totally bugged and frustrated. I like to make a plan and then follow through, sort of tunnel vision and town and errands were at the end of the tunnel originally. All this might explain the funny mood that I am in.

The one thing that makes me feel good no matter what, is our puppy-potty. The dogs are heading straight for the bathroom door in the mornings now when I let them out of the kennel, instead of the back door. The habit is getting stronger which means that it won't be long before we can take our eyes off them when they are walking around the family room. Diesel was used to doing his business indoors in the old shower, but Max arrived at our house in summer and the bathroom was being renovated already so this is all new to him. But he's getting the hang of it now. The shower was replaced by a tiled curb and a hand-held shower and then I filled the basin with gravel. So they do their business, I rinse (or pick up, whichever is necessary) and it all stays clean and odor free. When you have very small dogs and you live where the snow can get much deeper than they are tall, this is the ideal solution. So much nicer to guide them into the bathroom than to stand there in ones housecoat with the rain coming down first thing in the morning. So much nicer.

But I've put off getting back to work on my darn curtains long enough. At this rate, they'll never be done. So I will force myself to put the computer away (I should call it my lap top time waster) and do what I need to do. I would dearly love to be done with them. So til later......