I am definitely a person for whom the word "routine" was coined. I get up, let out the dogs, make the coffee, let in the dogs, feed the dogs, sit with the dogs and my computer, drink my coffee, eat the same cereal every morning, feed Ambra and Sierra and then I do something that I started doing about a year ago. I go upstairs and I meditate for half an hour. Through that practice I've learned to quiet the hyper-activity of my mind and allow a space for the power of creation to come in and lift me up, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It's helped me dial down the negativity and sadness that used to and still tries, with less and less success, to flood my being with sorrow and sometimes anger. There was a point where I wished for someone to whom I could turn, who understood my feelings because they too have been there, someone who could help me find my way out of the blackness because they've done that, someone that I could feel had such deep wisdom that their answers could become mine. But I am a realist and I know myself and I know that an "attachment " like that, i.e. teacher, guru, pastor, mentor, whatever you choose to call it, would soon have me feeling constricted and I'd begin to look for a way out.
As my early days of meditation began to become part of my routine and as I slowly, very slowly, learned to at least turn down the chatter in my mind, and as I started reading the words of others who'd gone down this road of searching for their reason for being here, in this world, at this time, a small trickle of ideas began to circulate in my head. And I quit looking for that someone to guide me as I realized that I needed to learn to be that person that I needed, that fount of wisdom, that peaceful leader, that gentle guide. That's not to say that I will get there by myself, merely that I need to be open to and looking for perfection and love everywhere and in everyone, instead of searching for someone to "give" that gift to me, someone who could facilitate an instant gratification of discovering my connection to all that is, someone to tell me what to do!
So I read, and I meditate, and I watch myself to discover the reasons why and how I react the way I do and whether I could have done a better job of reaching for that grandest vision of myself that I can come up with. At this point, I am pleased to report that I am changing and growing and finding the inner peace that we all claim to want in our lives, but so often fail to find. And as I begin to understand my own actions, I'm seeing why others behave the way they do because in one degree or another, their actions mirror mine, and mine theirs. Our motivations as humans are all surprisingly the same. At the root of all the worlds problems is that we each think of ourselves as separate individuals. That separateness leads to competition instead of cohesion. And it is cohesion, the willingness and desire to pull together, that leads to strength and it is unity that leads to peace. We see ourselves as the separate drops of water in the ocean and fail to realize that while we are each unique, we are all the same and that it is our gathering together, our oneness that gives us impact and that each and every one of us not only affects every other being in the world, but that we all need each other to be that power. We have forgotten that we are all one, that we are all as interconnected as individual points on a single strand of yarn that has been tangled by a kitten. We move through this life, brushing up and under and around and behind numerous others, who move through this life, brushing up and around and .... And these are the things that I'm learning as I silently wait for the Presence to teach me how to Be....
