How long has it been.....

It is just after 10:00 PM and while Don sits with his computer on his lap and Diesel snuggled onto one arm, I've managed to harden my heart enough to keep Max off of me, forcing him to spend time in his little bed in the corner. Don had mentioned that dust was beginning to gather on the blog because it had been two weeks (I was shocked as I hadn't noticed time passing) since I last wrote anything here. So because I needed two hands to type, Max has been exiled. Can you imagine how long it would take to write anything if I only had one hand to do it, and had to peer around a little mutt at the same time? Ages I think.

I just came in from the barn, last feeding before bed. It's so much warmer tonight than it has been. I like to stand out at the back of the barn on a sweet night like this, fluffy flakes of snow, just drifting down in the quiet night air and just absorb the stillness and try to become part of it as I look out towards the woods. So very peaceful. Maybe tomorrow I will try out my new snowshoes, at least I will if the snow falls all night. Yesterday, clippers in hand, I walked up the back hill to the woods and spent a couple hours roughing out a new little walking trail through a stand of firs there. The snow up the hill was so solid and had a nice crust that completely supported my weight. No way I would need snowshoes, but maybe tomorrow now that new snow is falling.

Let me tell you about these snowshoes. Remember the snowshoes of the old days? Wooden frame, lacing to support your weight. Well these are tubular aluminum frames, with stretched rubber bottoms and the inside, the part that your boot fastens to, is on a pivot so that your foot moves in a more natural way. Don's pair haven't arrived yet (we had to order them), but when they do, even deep snow won't stop us. Mind you, Holly and Sean, who also have a pair, say that using them is like six times more strenuous than just walking. So we may get out, but we won't be going for long walks if that's the case.

So anyway, I'm going to finish here for now, get some kindling for the fire in the morning and then to bed to bed. Ta ta for now and I'll talk to you again.

It is what it is.....

Well, well, well and hello there to whomever chooses to spend a moment here. I'm feeling very peaceful today, and while the tremendous cold outside and the lovely warm fire inside might have something to do with the feeling of coziness and safety that I'm enjoying at the moment, the peacefulness comes from somewhere else, somewhere in my heart, somewhere in my mind.

For many years, in fact so many that I can't even say when it began, I've struggled with an inner sadness and fearfulness. When Don would say to me "oh don't worry", "you worry too much", I usually would counter with something like "somebody has to because you aren't!". Very astute wouldn't you say? And I would worry about things that "might" happen ten years down the road. I like to plan ahead you see. And of course, that worrying was generally accompanied by sadness. But in my defence, who wouldn't be sad, when confronted with the surety that everything you found important or worthy, was doomed to disappear in ten years! There were other things too that I worried about, other sadness that came and went, mostly came (and stayed).

I think that it was Shakespeare who once said "that all life's a stage" and we are only actors upon it. And now I am confronting the role that I've been playing on this stage of life and I feel like I could have, should have, done so much better. It has been a little role, only a bit part, but I've studied it and perfected it and it has become me to the point where my family have come to know only that character, the sad and worried standby. It has become me, and as I look back over the years, where we once were, the various difficulties that arose and then were passed by, the momentous events of our lives that I allowed the tough moments to overshadow, I am only regretful that the gold was buried as I sat mournefully contemplating the grief that I chose to wallow in.

So I'm here to say, that this day I've chosen to put away that sad role that I've been typecast into. It is no more, and the one that I am going to work on, and study and perfect, is that of the peaceful woman, who understands and accepts that life "is what it is" and regardless of what the situation might be, that "this too will pass". If it is a tough time in life, it won't last forever, and if it is a joyous day, week, or even only a moment, it too will pass, and so I should enjoy it and appreciate it while I can.

Of Merry Go Rounds and New Years.....

I was going through my photos last night and with Don talking to Andy on the computer, this photo stood out of the lineup (and notice how the Naumanns are all lined up, why, it must be a coincidence or maybe even) a sign that I should use it and wish them all a Happy New Year! You all look so fine and seeing you reminds me that the one thing that Nova Scotia doesn't have is you guys. But thank goodness for the internet and phones and cameras right! So we must all look on the bright side even if sometimes you have to dig a little to find it.

It is snowing again here and our fire is making the family room warm and cozy. Diesel and Max are snoozing and we are feeling loose and limber from the yoga class we went to this morning. At the end of our yoga class, there is always a little relaxation period, a time where we are supposed to slow our minds down and keep the thoughts at bay so that even the brain gets a little time to rest. Harder to do than it sounds. But as I laid there, a little thought did pop in that another year has come and gone, new one begun, and what have been the blessings from all my experiences in the previous 365 days. I can say, without exception, that I have profited by all, yes all, the things that have come across my plate. I am more aware of who I am in this world, the good things that I have done, the mistakes that I have made that have again brought me clarity in understanding who I am and a new awareness and conviction that all we have is this moment, right now. I once read "the past is a memory, the future is a fantasy and all we have is now", the point being, how are you experiencing this moment? Are you savouring what it offers, or are you living in a past that is done and gone, or pinning your life to a fantasy? Slowly but steadily, I am learning to savour. I'm beginning to notice the unobtrusive special qualities of those moments that some might find of no importance and so, not worthy of notice. Like in the waning days of summer, as I stood by the wash line, hanging clothes up to dry in the sun and the breeze, and feeling the warmth on my back. Cleaning stalls one more time, and feeling good that when I brought Ambra and Sierra in, there would be food in their bucket and hay waiting in the manger. Or simply noticing and stopping to visually drink in the beautiful blending of white and purple in the petals of the african violets on my kitchen window sill, and how they sparkled in that one moment when the morning rays of the sun hit them at just the right angle. I am learning to be aware of these times, and when those niggling little voices that lurk in the dark corners of my mind, begin to whisper and attempt to agitate, I'm starting to recognize that that's what is happening and then turn away from those thoughts because I know now, that they have no value in my search for a peaceful existence.

At the core of everyone's life, I think, is a desire for peace and fulfillment. Some would arguably suggest that this is at the root of overspending, overwhelming debt-loads and the evidence of corporate greed that we have been watching in horrified fascination over the past year or so. Instead of finding their joy in the experience of that moment, the world has sought to find their fulfillment in things, and more things, and incredible amounts of money that are hard to even comprehend. For me, 2008 has been the beginning of stepping off one roller coaster and onto a gentler merry go round of life. And in 2009, as I sit astride my lovely, painted steed, I am going to see and savour the little things that pass me by, even as I pass by.