This Too Shall Pass

We watched a movie tonight and though I can't recall the name Peter O'Toole was the lead character in it. I also can't remember the name of the young lady who was cast opposite him. She's too young and I grew up sort of with him. As Don said, we've watched him get old. It was about an old man who's friend has a nieces daughter come to live with him. Did you get lost in that or did you manage to keep up? Anyway, while the "uncle" can't stand this teenager, Peter O'Toole who shall be known as Morris becomes infatuated with her. Always a bit of a womanizer in his young days, she awakens something in him and he works at developing a relationship with her. She on the other hand, is at first put off by this old man but soon begins to take advantage of his affections, allowing him to buy her things ocassionally or take her out for lunch. At the same time though she becomes involved in a relationship with a boy her own age, which ultimately turn ugly during which Morris gets hurt. And as is so often the case, an injury for an old person suddenly bumps up his aging process. She in turn, is suddenly faced with the ugliness of her behaviour towards him and is stricken with remorse and volunteers to care for him as he recovers. Of course he soon dies and now she must grieve for him and in that grieving becomes aware, because of the turn out at his funeral, of the parts of his life that were, long before she knew him as an old man. Her attitude of course changes, she turns over a new leaf and becomes a better person, at least as far as we can tell.

Maybe this movie spoke to me because I am getting older myself. Sometimes, as long as I haven't walked past a mirror lately, I feel as though I am still young, at least in my mind. There are no wrinkles, no creases at the corners of my eyes or mouth, no grey hair, and a lifetime of possibilities ahead of me. But then I'm reminded that it couldn't possibly be that I am young, by my stiffness from sitting too long at my computer, or by not being able to see the recipe in my notebook even though I've written it with very big letters. So as I watched Morris responding to her, as he would have fifty years ago, only to have her recoil from him, instead of being welcomed because he was so old, and wrinkled and stooped and awkward, I think I saw myself, Don , all of mankind being forced to give in reluctantly to something that as young people, we never foresaw or would ever admit to. But I couldn't help but feel that even in the midst of his frustration, there was a certain grace that accompanied this whole process of aging and dying if you don't allow bitterness to creep in. Morris wasn't bitter and angry, instead just got on with life as he always had, just at a slower pace. I think that that is what I will try to do, just get on with life at a slower pace and to look at this moment, right now, as being all there is, for this too, shall pass.

Why I Am Here

Max is draped across my lap, sleeping and beside me Diesel is snuggled into the folds of a blanket, also sleeping. I would leave them there if I could, just go on with reading but the time has come to go out to the barn. Early on, I could hear Ambra and Sierra out there, chewing on their stalls, banging their buckets; boredom, hunger, a little of both, demanding some attention. I pick up Max's little relaxed body and he hangs limply from my hands, only opening his eyes slightly as though to ask "how could you?" as I tucked him in beside Diesel.

At this time of year, it is layer upon layer upon layer, before you can step out the door. In the barn, the frost glistens on the window panes, and the horses breath is visible like a small fog bank that hangs around their noses, freezing on their whiskers and underfoot, the nights mess is frozen solid and it is like walking on scattered marbles. Ambra comes out first, and as we step into the sunshine from the gloom of the barn, her head comes up and she stares off at the hills and trees that lay along the back of the fields. Walking out to her paddock, her step is lighter and I can feel her energy like a barely contained charge of electricity. Even as I unsnap the lead rope, she realizes she is free and leaps forward, touching the ground so lightly that she almost seems not to make contact. Round and round, up the hill and back down again.

The new days sun shines low above the trees, casting long blue shadows across the fields and as she throws herself down on the hilltop to roll and roll again, she kicks up a cloud of fine, dry, soft snow and the light catches it and it sparkles and glitters as though she is some small and lovely creature caught in the tiny contained world of a snowglobe. Now done with that and back on her feet, she looks back expectantly at the barn, wondering why Sierra has not come out yet to join her in this revelry. So I turn back to the barn and going into Sierra's stall, I can feel that she also suffers from the same level of excitement and joyfulness that had overtaken Ambra. Once freed, she too runs and romps, floating over the snow in that lovely high Arab trot, tail waving high like a flag over her back, that always takes my breath away. She cruises back and forth in front of me, bucking occassionally, then turning to face me. Her neck is arched, and her eyes bright as she stares straight at me and takes a few steps forward, only to turn again and fly along the fence line with Ambra keeping pace on the other side. And as I stood in the sunshine and the snow, feeling the cold against my face and watching them enjoy their life, one more time, I had the thought that moments like this are why I am here.

("You cannot do a kindness too soon, because you never know how soon it will be too late"
Ralph Waldo Emerson )

Photo by: Rian Houston of Colorado

Seasons Greetings!

Seasons greetings to you all! It is looking like it will be a white Christmas after all. While we'd had some snow a few weeks back, it had all melted and then the days alternated between rain and sunshine, some of them cold and some downright suntanning weather. A few days ago it was 19 degrees! Can you believe it? But as I said, Seasons Greetings and best wishes for the New Year to one and all.

I am often glad that I am forced to get out of the house in the morning to take care of Sierra and Ambra. Today was one of those times because the light was soft, and it was not too cold even though it had snowed the day before. The snow was dry and powdery and only ankle deep. At moments like that I am sometimes tempted to be spontaneous, be the wild one (yeah right!), and throw caution to the wind and ------go for a walk. But then common sense prevails, "you need to have breakfast, you haven't had a shower yet, you are in your pjamas......", and I usually listen to that little practical self that sits on my shoulder and I go back to the house, the fire and my first cup of coffee of the day. But after sitting around a bit, and doing a few things I finally felt I could justify slacking off to enjoy this beautiful day up close.

The nice thing about our property is that we can go for a walk and see a variety of views and vistas. Open snowy fields with that blazing blue sky above, little brooks trickling darkly beneath overhanging branches that are weighted down by fat cushions of snow, tall evergreens with branches draped in overcoats of glistening crystals and distant hills lying quiet and glazed under a blanket of white and blue. So very pretty and we feel very blessed to be able to have this experience in total.

I'm in a funny kind of mood today. Sort of coasting in neutral you could say..... maybe the weather, grey, low hanging clouds, snowing lightly in fits and starts, but not real cold, is making me feel that way. Maybe the time I already put in to altering some curtains that I bought, only to discover that a quick run through the dryer shrank them so much that I have to take out what I already did and start again, is making me feel that way. Maybe I'm just getting so relaxed and I'm not used to feeling this way. I'm just not real sure what it is all about. I do know that I had plans to go into town and do some grocery shopping and run a few errands, but the weather man's warning of icy rain(bad roads?) put me off until about noon. It was warm, well sort of, and no rain, so I decided I would follow through on those plans which meant I needed to get into something a little more town-worthy instead of the sweatpants that I'd been schlepping around the house all day in. By the time I was ready, the snow had started falling! New plan, stick with the plan of staying home after all. Well, to make a long story short, the snow fell for an hour, didn't stick at all, and by then I had bread rising and I was not going to try the town plan again. But that didn't mean that I wasn't totally bugged and frustrated. I like to make a plan and then follow through, sort of tunnel vision and town and errands were at the end of the tunnel originally. All this might explain the funny mood that I am in.

The one thing that makes me feel good no matter what, is our puppy-potty. The dogs are heading straight for the bathroom door in the mornings now when I let them out of the kennel, instead of the back door. The habit is getting stronger which means that it won't be long before we can take our eyes off them when they are walking around the family room. Diesel was used to doing his business indoors in the old shower, but Max arrived at our house in summer and the bathroom was being renovated already so this is all new to him. But he's getting the hang of it now. The shower was replaced by a tiled curb and a hand-held shower and then I filled the basin with gravel. So they do their business, I rinse (or pick up, whichever is necessary) and it all stays clean and odor free. When you have very small dogs and you live where the snow can get much deeper than they are tall, this is the ideal solution. So much nicer to guide them into the bathroom than to stand there in ones housecoat with the rain coming down first thing in the morning. So much nicer.

But I've put off getting back to work on my darn curtains long enough. At this rate, they'll never be done. So I will force myself to put the computer away (I should call it my lap top time waster) and do what I need to do. I would dearly love to be done with them. So til later......

Coffee breaks and puppies...

Another coffee break with my sweetie.....one of the things that Don and I have always attributed our good relationship to is the habit of going out together for coffee each day. It got us out of the house and took me (especially) away from the never ending to-do list. We focused on each other and shared our days events. We actually communicated! The feeling was that if we stayed at home for coffee, it would be too easy to each grab our coffee cup and head for different corners. Here there is only a Tim Hortons close by, no Wired Monk, no Starbucks, no Esquires, so now we stay home because you can only go to Tim Hortons so many times before you are tired of it. And instead of preservative laden, hormone filled goodies to go with the coffee, I found a blueberry muffin recipe that is fabulous. No eggs, no milk, no butter and they are so good. When Holly and Sean came for a visit, she brought her favourite vegan recipe book to show me and after checking it out, I ordered one of my own and that is where this recipe came from. Diesel and Max really appreciate our having coffee breaks at home too, and I'm sure they've come to understand the phrase "come and get your coffee" because the minute they hear that, they are right there at our heels, waiting for their share of whatever is the treat of the day. They are so spoiled silly puppies. Now I should look for another fabulous recipe as I think they would like a change, spoiled little mutts that they are.