My how we've changed...

Don didn't sleep well last night, so he got up at 3:00 AM and got the fire going again while he read for a couple hours before coming back to bed. When I woke up in the morning, the family room was still warm, and embers glowed brightly in the stove. I made a cup of tea, turned on a music station on the television, put on my glasses and began to read. I've been totally engrossed lately in a book called "Conversations With God" and find that spending some time in it at the beginning of my day lifts my soul and puts me in the right frame of mind.

Later Don came down and together we had our first cup of coffee. As we sat together, he with his computer, me with my book, and the music playing softly in the background the thought came to me that we have changed incredibly from the time when we were in our twenties. Back then, we would not have been up at 7:30 in the morning on the weekend. We would not have been listening to quiet, peaceful music. We would not have been drinking coffee until we'd had our dose of Alkaseltzer for the queasy stomach that usually came after the night before. My how we've changed!

No Pictures today, they would be too awful...

Little Lucy lays on the couch beside me. She is tucked under a little blanket to maintain her body temperature. She is still taking water, but hasn't eaten much in the past three days. A slice of cheese yesterday I think, but not much more. She is still bright eyed, but I think that she has had a couple mini strokes in that time and only checks periodically to see where we are before laying her little head back down. Today her breathing is easier which is good, because watching her gasp and pant for air is hard.

Something Kim and I talked about a couple weeks ago, compelled me to take a peek at the Peta websites. What I discovered there, of conditions that animals suffer and die from horrified me and broke my heart. To think that people who believe that they are a superior species, also feel that they have no moral responsibility to be considerate to the animals that are in their charge. Instead, they are brutalised in ways that I never imagined. It is always nice to be able to pat yourself on the back and say that "at least Canadians are different, we wouldn't treat animals the way the Chinese do". Unfortunately, Canada's claim to fame is the seal hunt and fois gras production. Did you know that at least eight other countries have banned fois gras production because it is so cruel?

So now, as I watch Lucy get ready to leave, I am not sitting here in tears day after day. I am comforted and yes, even cheered by the knowledge that after almost 18 years with us, during which time we loved her and admired her and yes, spoiled her, her end will happen in comfort and peacefulness. I'm sure that when the final sigh comes and she is gone, I will cry, but the tears will also be for all the rest that weren't as lucky as her.

Tractor practise!

Time to clear the driveway. Don is nervous about doing it in front of the neighbour across the street though. He's an old hand with a tractor and snow clearing and Don is not . Learning curves are fodder for community gossip, at least that is what Don's worried about. Oh well, no point in worrying about that because the snow must be moved, or we'll be staying home for the winter.

The interesting thing is that after he is finished, I am surprised to see piles of snow, with black spots in it. Hmmm. I can hardly wait til spring to see what kind of shape our lawn is in due to "the learning curve".

Winter, winter everywhere...and life goes on.

I lay in the dark of the early morning hours, trying to go back to sleep. Outside the air hummed as the wind strummed the tops of the trees, punctuated every so often with a huge gust, that once upon a time, likely would have found its way into the cavernous, uninsulated walls of the old house, but now could only buffet them in frustration. I imagined that when we got up in a few hours, there would be a new drifts piled up against the buildings, and the trees would be invisible behind the curtain of snow that surely was blowing across the fields. Finally I fell asleep again.

When we awoke later, the sun was shining, and the wind still howled, but hadn't brought any new snow. Strangely though, when I went out to the barn, it felt much warmer than when I'd put Ambra and Sierra in their stalls the previous evening. The gusts of wind were colder and so I decided to keep them in their stalls for the day. Easier to keep the weight on them when they're not fighting to stay warm. Ambra just stands there patiently in the stall, on swollen, puffy legs. She needs to walk and no amount of bedding keeps the swelling down. Sierra on the other hand, would pace in her stall if it was big enough to pace in. She gets quite anxious being locked up like this. A flake of hay settles her nerves.

Love Propels

For the past few years, as we have been planning our retirement, one of the things that was important to me was that we find a place where Ambra and Sierra can happily end their days, and when that time is come, that they be buried there. To never live the "Black Beauty" story, to never face the fear of the auction yard....and here in Oxford, we have found that place. The choices that Don and I have made have been the fulfillment of that particular desire. My animals are important to me. We had a little budgie named Oliver. The first time I ever saw him was as a pin-feathery chick, still about two weeks away from being able to come home with us. We had him in our family for eleven years and he charmed us endlessly. He learned a few words, and he loved to be out and about. He enjoyed marching around the table when we were eating our dinner, and sampling the food on our plate. That's not too bad unless of course he decided that he preferred taste testing from the middle of a pile of spaghetti which was one of his all time favourite foods. There came a day when we knew that he would leave us any moment, and for that day, my life was on hold. I sat with him cradled in a a soft cloth, held in my hands. The hours passed, my tears flowed and then one tiny last breath and it was over. We didn't bury him, but instead cremated him, to free his little birdie soul to the air forever. So my animals are important to me and I believe that the choices that we make with regards to not only our own lives but to the lives of the creatures that are dependent on us, make obvious to others, the kind of person that we are.

A thing that has come of our moving to Oxford, that we didn't expect at all is meeting a nice couple named Bob and Sue. I may have mentioned them previously, but just in case, to recap, he is retired, was born into the gypsy way of life (a Traveller as they refer to themselves) and she is a guard at the penitentiary here. Bob loaned me a book that he had enjoyed called Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch. I enjoyed it so much, that I purchased my own copy and I've read it and reread it and will read it again. The portion that I read this morning made me think of Kim and Oliver and their little Liam. New parents with such an important job ahead of them. I thought that for all those parents out there who might be reading this blog, that I would share a bit here.

{So now, as parents, spouses, and loved ones, seek not to make of your love a glue that binds, but rather a magnet that first attracts, then turns around and repels, lest those who are attracted begin to believe they must stick to you to survive. Nothing could be further from the truth. Nothing could be more damaging to another.
Let your love propel your beloveds into the world - and into the full experience of who they are. In this will you have truly loved.}

Isn't that fabulous! Too often, we want to hold our beloved hostage to our own neediness, or as mom's and dad's, we ache when our children struggle in life and want to jump in there and fix the situation for them. But I think that it is far more profitable for them if they know that whatever their decisions, whatever the results, we will be a safe harbour when their emotions are raw and they need sympathy or understanding, or someone to talk to.

Tribute

I heard today that Aunt Frieda died. So I offer a rose for a lady who will forever, in my memory, have a smile and a little chuckle on her lips as she busies herself in the kitchen of the little house in Didsbury where I knew her, and Uncle Andy, Luella, Les and Delbert. I will remember her kindness and always be grateful that for a while in my life, I had the opportunity to know her. My deepest condolences to her children and to her husband as they adjust to the newly empty place in their lives.

I think that we all go through life, wanting to make our mark, to leave behind a legacy. For some people, it is a change in world policy, to others it is a monolithic bridge, or a sculpture of unparalleled beauty. For some, it is words put down and published for the world to read long after they are gone, while for the vast majority it is a family that is strong and close and one that will have future generations to carry on the family name. We, Don and I, are close to our daughters, and our love deepens year by year. They have brought husbands into this circle and lately a little grandson and so the bounds of our love has expanded. But they are daughters so the name, from us, has ended. Only the example of love that we've shared can go on from this point. I am so glad that as I look back on our lives as a family, that we have no guilt over how we raised our children, how we loved them, guided them into adulthood....

To be remembered well by those who knew us, when we die, really is far more important than all the bridges, or all the beautiful sculptures in the world. What better legacy truly?

Now We're Really Hiding From the Winter Wind!!

Yesterday, standing at the window and looking out at blue skies and pretty snowy fields, Don and I were chuckling at the pictures of Vancouver's snowy/rainy weather, with city workers trying to clear street drains. Remembering the folks that had exclaimed over the "Nova Scotia" weather, oh my what you are getting yourselves into!!! Well, today we are truly getting a taste of it. The wind is howling outside, seeking places to poke it's hard, icy fingers into the warmth of the cocoon with which we've surrounded ourselves. The woodstove struggles to keep up, barely. And Ambra and Sierra are still in their stalls where in all likelihood, they will stay for the day.

But I went grocery shopping yesterday, there is firewood in the basement and hay in the barn. What more could we ask for?

Hiding Inside From Winter Winds

When it has snowed in the night you know it, even before you get out of bed. It is just different. The light is more subdued, sounds seem further away...so before I even came down the stairs, I knew there would be a carpet of white covering the yard, our fields, the forest. The tall grasses along the stream waved stiffly in the wind that gusted from time to time, dry and golden in contrast to the white crystal blanket that tucked in close to them.

We left a big fire going last night when we went to bed and so this morning the family room is not icy, so I made a fire first thing, before even starting the coffee. This time I was lucky and got it going first try. The dogs come next, bathroom break, then their breakfast and while Diesel is making all sorts of little pig noises behind me there, I put the coffee on.

Finally I can sit down across from the window in the family room. Tthe fire is crackling briskly now, and my mug of coffee sits on the table in front of me, steam rising gently in the warming air. Diesel and Lucy are on the couch beside me, still licking the taste of their breakfast off their lips. Even though I know that in a little while I am going to have to put on a couple sweaters and a vest, and a scarf and a jacket, etc., before I head out to take Ambra and Sierra out of their stalls for breakfast in the shelter, I am still glad for being in this place. My horsey girls have grassy fields to wander in until they die, a dry stall to sleep in when the rain is falling or the wind howling, and we have our wonderful woods to walk in.

After breakfast, Don and I did go for a walk in the woods. The sky was clearing and I wanted to see our woods with its winter dress on. We followed one of the trails that I had made in the summer. I had started the trail from the furthest corner of our woods and worked my way back to our little "roadway", and if I follow it from that direction, I can find it every time, but if like today, we try and follow it from the other direction, I get to a certain spot and then lose it every time. So we wandered a little bit and then as the wind was picking up, decided it was a good time to head back to the house.

And now as I sit writing here, the winter wind has picked up and every so often a gust tries mightily to squeeze through the edges of the door. But I can hear my fire still crackling briskly in the stove, so the wind can shriek and moan all it wants because we're warm and cozy.