Only Four Hours.......

The sun was shining today, clear blue skies and not too cold. Now though, bundled in my barn jacket, worn old gloves on my hands the cold is deepening, and I realize that I am looking at the last full moon of the year. In the deepening blue twilight, the tall fir trees that stand at the edge of the forest behind our field are a dark line and behind them, the moon glows full and golden. Ambra and Sierra have heard the screen door slam and are coming in to their gates, knowing that in the next few minutes, they'll come in for their buckets of feed and a drink of warm water. I can hear their hooves crunching on the snow even from this distance. There is a comforting sameness in this routine of ours. They need me and trust me and I like it, and I'm pleased to be able to care for them even when its cold, even when their breath turns to thick layers of frost on the insides of the barn windows.

The last full moon of this year, the last time I bring them in this year, the last time I write in this blog this year, the last time....So many lasts, but what one thing have I learned that I can take forward into the new year that is only four hours away? I think the best thing that I've realized this year is that we all make of our lives, just what we want them to be. It's our willingness to see the best in situations and people, that will cause those "bests" to be revealed to us and by us. If I determinedly look for the failings of others or try to see only how I've been hurt by the world, then that becomes my experience. I used to know a young lady when she was only a child, and the thing I will always remember about her is that the moment she walked into the room, she was everyones friend, young or old, because that is how she saw them, as friends that she just hadn't met yet. She lived a special truth even though she likely didn't realize it and that is, that your life will be what you make it be, what your thoughts and actions bring into being.

I used to worry a lot about everything. Even when things were working out the way we wanted them to, I worried about when they might change and what would I do then. A very hard way to live a life, because I forgot to revel in, to enjoy the moments as they came along and instead strained to see the point in time that the dreaded change would begin. But in this past year, I've finally been able to put that old habit away and not only that, but started to understand that everyone else, whether they know it or not, are actively engaged in making their lives turn out just the way they want them to be. We all give lip-service to wanting to be happy and have lots of love around us, to sustain and support us in the difficult times of life, but all too often, we're betrayed by our actions. If we truly wanted to be surrounded by love, why do we push it away when it comes in the form of concern or questions or offered guidance. If we truly want to be surrounded by love, why do we dig our heels in and hang on instead to one moment of irritation or insult as if choosing it instead because that is the precious commodity?

As I've come to realize that each of us is solely responsible for our own lives, it has taken a burden off of my shoulders. I can only do so much to make the next person happy and as long as I give them the kindness and respect that I would appreciate receiving, everything else in their lives is up to them. The choices that they have made, the things that they've said or done, the directions that they've taken have put them exactly where they are, where they want to be. If they are happy and feel love all around them, it is because they've said kind words, extended a helping hand, turned the other cheek at times.....and if they feel forgotten, or lonely, then it is because they failed to say the kind words, or extend the helping hand, or held onto hurt feelings....

For you who spend sleepless nights agonizing over how to help someones life be better, give them kindness and love and then close your eyes. They are where they want to be, for right now. For you who try to work out ways to advise without seeming to, instead, just give them love and kindness, and leave the door open for when they come back to feel one more time, that tender warmth. Because for now, they are where they want to be. And look forward with hope, to a time when they will be decide that change is needed and when that happens, their choices will make it so.

In the meantime, I have decided that I want a life of serenity, love, and quiet joy. In order to make of my life, what I want, I try to speak words of loving kindness, to see the good in all, spend time in quiet meditation, and stop frequently to just inhale the moment and take joy in its fragrance. Happy New Year!