Silence

Today I'm alone. That sounds strange to say…."today I am alone". Those particular words don't enter into my vocabulary in that order very often. And I am a person who doesn't mind my own company, but since we retired, I am rarely "alone". Don had a doctor's appointment in Amherst (pronounced 'Amerst') so he went, and I stayed. I was out in the garden mowing the lawn and then moving some things around…preparing for winter you know. All very pleasant. And when I got bored with doing that and had finished putting things like my little hand rake and wheelbarrow and whatever else I might have gotten out, --when I had put away those things, I knocked the dirt off my boots and went in. I put my coat in the closet and then went to wash the garden from my hands, and as the water spilled out of the tap and rinsed the bubbles away, I caught myself thinking how quiet it was and perhaps I'd go and put some music on.

And as I caught myself thinking that, I realized in almost the same moment, the other side of the coin as it were, that the idea of letting the silence reign, seemed difficult and odd, and I must confess, for a moment it made me feel a teeny, tiny bit anxious. Now I know that sounds silly………..but if you try it yourself, you just might find that you too, experience some unusual sensations. And of course I think you might agree that the reason for that is that by and large, our whole society rarely looks for the meaning of their lives in the quiet of their own mind, but instead we surround ourselves with television, and movies, and Ipods and videos on our computers, telephones and singing cards, and by our identifying one version of this or that, we identify ourselves, who we are, what we like, what kind of personality type we have. Choose classical music, long walks in the countryside, good books from the Bestsellers List, and we become an intellectual or a more cerebral individual. Choose rap music and accessorize with baggy pants and backward hats, or too much jewellery and too short skirts and we assume the appropriate tag, and it is obvious to all, who we think we are.

Turning all of those noisy and distracting things off is the opportunity to begin to know yourself in a different way and understand not only why you are like you are, but how to pare away old you and find the new and improved you that can only wait for its opportunity to emerge.

So this past year has been a time of doing that, paring away. I'm a lot more peaceful in my spirit now. Just as when I was worried as a child that nobody loved me and afraid that I would find out that it was true or that the unforeseen and unthinkable would happen to me, and so avoided situations that might be 'dangerous', I think that I've done the same in my adult life. Don has been my protector and my encourager through all my dark years and moods and I'm so grateful to him for his love and kindness. And in spite of his care, so many of my years were wasted in the emotional landscape of doom and gloom.

Fifty-five years, and it has taken that long for the clouds to begin to break and thin, but my new way of looking at all that 'wasted' time is that they are a brilliant contrast for the brightening skies in the landscape of my mood. Breaking away from my worrying means turning away from the habit of seeing only the difficulties or trials of life, and so I appreciate the contrast and enjoy the lightness of spirit that fills me more often as the days pass in quiet succession.

So the house is filled with silence and I sit, motionless, listening to it.